For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you had me at cake vodka
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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