You smell like stripper and shame
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
