I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
