I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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