Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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