In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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