If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
