I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
