If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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