so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
