i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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