i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
