She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
