why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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