Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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