It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
