the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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