So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
splinters make it hard to masturbate
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
