My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
