he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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