What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
