I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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