I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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