am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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