TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
