Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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