So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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