i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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