handjob tips. give me some.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She's the barista slut.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
