I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
