meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
