saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
