i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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