I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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