The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He shit in the fireplace
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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