Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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