Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
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