Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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