Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
