We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
