We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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