I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
3pm strippers are depressing
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
