I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
