you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
