it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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