I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
