??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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