glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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