You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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