I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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